Living with ADHD, especially when it goes undiagnosed for a long time causes us to develop unhelpful ways of coping that can become Even more problematic than the ADHD itself.
These coping behaviours and the subsequent fallout from them are what I call the ‘Shadow Symptoms of ADHD.’
To be clear, we don’t engage in these behaviours because we’re morally weak or bad people making poor ‘lifestyle choices.’ What we are, are people with the unique needs of an ADHD Mind & Body, doing our level best to get relief from the internal stress that our ADHD symptoms cause us.
My story is a perfect example of this ( So sad to admit, but my perfectionism just loves that I get to be a ‘perfect example’ of anything, even when it’s a total car crash!! lol )
Some of my first memories of childhood are classic examples of me trying to get relief from my ADHD symptoms. Like me going on daily long ‘walkabouts’ to escape the boredom of being at home with my too busy mother. Or me climbing the pantry shelves and devouring the jam straight from the jar, to satisfy my need for dopamine and boost my mood and energy. Or me trying to keep up with my three older brothers, taking impulsive risks by climbing too tall trees and practicing daredevil leaps off of swings that were a wee bit beyond my abilities! :/
All of these examples are common ‘stimulation seeking behaviours’ and are what’s more commonly known as ‘Self Medicating.’
Sadly for myself this constant self medicating of my ADHD symptoms, took me to all the wrong places. Like so many people with ADHD I used food, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, relationships, geographicals, risk taking, excitement, shopping and many other activities, as a way to alleviate the feelings of being undiagnosed and untreated. For me this insatiable drive eventually slipped into full blown addictions, the fallout of which was a non-existent education, zero self care, no career, broken relationships, financial mismanagement and even homelessness.
The Damage Done…
Meanwhile I had no clue, that all these creative efforts of mine to feel okay were also stunting my emotional and mental growth and development and even though I’m now 30 years clean and sober and I’ve been diagnosed and treated for ADHD, there’s still so much work to do to Heal the Fallout or ‘Shadow Symptoms’ caused by these behaviours and the unintended consequences of a life neglected.
Here’s a List of some of the Shadow Symptoms of ADHD.
Low self esteem
Low confidence
Disorganized, Delayed or Chaotic approach to many ‘adulting’ tasks such as;
Up to date Insurance, Taxes, Good Credit rating, Bill payment systems, Debt management, Savings or investments etc.
Poor personal habits for sleep, diet and exercise.
Chaotic approach to personal care and home maintenance.
Tolerating a career, relationship or home space that isn’t working for you.
Avoidance and ‘process addictions’ such as too much screen time or Work to stay busy and avoid all the other areas of your life that feel unmanageable.
Shame and /or Isolation because of all the above.
Limiting beliefs and anxiety that keeps me stuck.
Poor personal boundaries.
Perfectionism/Masking
If any or all of that sounds familiar, then first of all know that you are not alone!
Many people with ADHD, by the time they finally get a diagnosis and treatment are in the exact same boat. The good news is that it’s possible to begin to heal and change all of these Shadow Symptoms, as have I. But the bad news is, it’s not a quick fix! How long it takes really depends on how far down you went, where you are today and how committed you are to doing what’s needed…
Coaching is one of those research based approaches that along with other treatments can help you reverse much of the Damage done and give you back your life, but that also depends on the type of Coaching.
If the Coaching and the treatments are not Holistic enough and do not address these Shadow Symptoms (like any continuing self medicating behaviours or lingering Psychological wounds) You will not get the long term relief and success you need. Too many approaches focus on specific niches such as time management, productivity, systems or even apps! Which don’t go far enough and neglect the largest most damaging parts of what ails us…
These approaches are what I call strategies versus solutions, and to be blunt they’re about as much good as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic!
If you’re still sinking, no amount of surface changes will keep you afloat!
In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson wrote about this same sort of predicament which sums it up perfectly…
( side note, this was written in the 1930’s in case you are wondering about the flowery & politically incorrect language)
…”The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead, affections uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” From AA’s Big Book pg. 82
The shadow symptoms in my life were way more damaging to my adult life than the ADHD by itself. The addictions, the low self esteem, the avoidance habits, limiting beliefs and inertia. But with a holistic approach, good support and a commitment to do the work, I’ve managed to move past so many of the biggest obstacles, that I could do it at the late starting age of 43, is proof positive that it’s possible for you too.
The Takeaways…
When investing in your next approach or Coach for dealing with your ADHD ( and your Secondary Symptoms) be sure you have someone who’s willing to look at your life Holistically; Mentally, Emotionally, Relationally, Physiologically, Spiritually and Physically. Ask them outright what their approach is. You should hear that they can and will connect all of the seemingly disparate and chaotic dots, helping you to finally plug the leaks and give you the lasting solutions you deserve, versus the cosmetic strategies that usually fail or expire.