In my first blog on Perfectionism & ADHD, I shared how this corrosive mindset acts on our brains, psyches and emotions much like an addiction. The Allure, the Hit, the Denial, the Escape, the Cost and the Failure to Thrive that the pursuit of perfectionism generates, reads almost word for word like the classic addict story!
In the Second Blog I described the invisible Prison of Perfectionism we get trapped in. How this thinking (which is often a coping mechanism to cover up feelings of insecurity, shame and/or low self esteem) ends up accentuating these very feelings and beliefs, then keeps us stuck by having to repeat it to feel just okay. ( exactly like addiction)
In the Third Blog, I shared how the neurology of our ADHD brains provides a One-Two Punch that keeps us stuck. Firstly because the nature of our brain’s wiring makes us more susceptible to use perfectionism as a coping tool and secondly how this neurology makes it tougher for us to break these negative thought habits.
If I had to distill the whole Essence, Drive and the Act of Perfectionism down into a single sentence, I’d say…
‘The Pursuit of Perfectionism is a fruitless chase for an imagined, utopian destination, that we believe will bring peace of mind, satisfaction and relief, which in fact leads to increased dissatisfaction, anxiety and tension. Or, in way more elegant terms, this quote says it all –
‘Perfectionism is the Mountain without a Peak’
So what can be done?
There are lots of ways to approach this problem, the therapeutic approach to deal with OCPD and/ or Perfectionism uses C.B.T. (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to challenge the thoughts & beliefs that drive it (Click here for an Article on Perfectionism treatment and research links).
Other approaches that also work to break the over identification with thoughts, such as Mindfulness Meditation, Positive Affirmations, E.F.T, Hypnosis, Life Coaching and NLP, can all be beneficial too in creating a pause and a choice about which thoughts we allow or pursue.
All of these approaches are valuable and effective ways to help challenge the ‘dis-ease’ of judgmental thinking and the behavioral and emotional fallout that are generated as a result of these habitual negative thoughts.
Though when these negative thought habits are successfully dealt with, what treatment are there for the aforementioned deeper drivers of this compulsive mindset? Such as feelings of worthlessness or shame? And what about the compulsive addictive drive to control outcomes?
As a recovering addict I was lucky to find a way out of this obsessive thinking trap that not only broke the surface habits and thoughts, but also worked on a much needed, deeper, spiritual level to help heal and restore the causes and conditions. In recovery I learned the hard way that if I was to stay sober and achieve the peace of mind and freedom from worry and tension that drinking had somewhat given me. I would need a new solution, one that would nurture in me an ability to trust life to the degree that I would be willing to Let Go. To Let Go of my need to micromanage life which created so much tension and fear that I practically needed the relief of alcohol (sounds familiar doesn’t it?)
‘Letting Go’ is the Spiritual Practice of Trusting & Co-Creating your Life in partnership with Life itself.
This solution continues to give me solace, comfort and a trust in life’s meandering flow (when I let it). It is the spiritual solution that’s on offer to anyone who wants it, by working the 12 steps.
If your brand of perfectionism isn’t so addictive, then the CBT, Mindfulness and other solutions could be enough for you. But for those like myself who’s drive and need to control is driven by low self worth combined with a mistrust of the creative intelligence of life itself, then those approaches may not go far enough. Whereas a spiritual solution allows us to quit trying to control everything and invites us to become more of a carefree co-pilot or passenger in our lives versus the stressed out and delusional Captain! 🙂
Just to clarify, when I say Spiritual I do not mean Religious or necessarily even God. I simply mean to access that which is not material, the laws and power that govern life which we cannot see, quantify, explain, control, or generate of our own free will. The creative drive and intelligence of life itself. The power that allows you to read this blog, sleep or digest your food, fight off a cold, breathe and pump blood throughout your body, or that makes a seed to grow, a season change or an idea arise. That is what I mean by Spiritual.
I know it may sound a bit unusual to advocate for a ‘Spiritual Solution’ for what is essentially a Mental health Issue. But we already know that this same solution currently works for millions of ‘beyond hope addicts’ through the 12 steps of addiction recovery programs such as A.A. People with addictions (like myself) have found that the 12 steps and the groups they attend are not only successful in the cessation of addictive behaviors, but they are also able to achieve a reprieve from the chronic feelings of less than and regain the peace of mind and relief from anxiety, fears and shame that were (in large part) the main drivers of their addictions in the first place.
Luckily the 12 steps are not just for addicts! They can and are used and adapted for any problem in which your self will and control have been impotent to change.
In his book Recovery, the Sacred Art, The 12 steps as a spiritual practice. Rabbi Rami Shapiro says; ‘Spirituality is a practice not a belief, one designed to free you from the delusion that your life can be controlled and the illusion that you are controlling it.’
His gift of a book adapts the 12 steps of addiction recovery into a spiritual solution for anyone who wants a step- by -step guide to living life without fear, control and obsessive thinking.
What are your thoughts on perfectionism? Do you or anyone you love suffer with this debilitating mindset? If so, I’d love to hear from you about what you’ve tried to get relief from it. Comment below!
In my next Blog I’ll share some of the practical tools that I’ve learned from the 12 steps that anyone can begin to use right away to start to Let Go of Control and Surrender to living our lives in harmony with life itself. Tools that if used will bring peace of mind while also healing the low self worth and anxiety that perfectionism only serves to enhance…