Perfectionism & ADHD – Is it an Addiction?

The perfectionism that comes with ADHD, whether caused by ADHD’s Black and White thinking or as a coping mechanism to mask any feelings of shame and inadequacy from repeated failures, or perhaps even at its extreme end (the comorbid condition of OCPD) Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

However it developed and to whatever degree we experience it, perfectionism is a common aspect of our thinking and our lives for too many of us, which when left unchecked wreaks havoc in our lives and our relationships. 

Unchecked perfectionism holds us in a vice grip of analysis, inaction and/or obsessive control. Ironically it’s something we use to feel safe and in control, to try and repel our feelings of shame or inadequacy. Yet to keep indulging it only serves to keep our low self esteem alive, while also robbing us of any chance to be at peace with ourselves. 

“Perfectionism is self abuse of the highest order“

-Anne Wilson Shaeff

My own story of undiagnosed ADHD and early school, career, life and relationship failures (also growing up in an alcoholic home, where it seemed to me that everyone in the known universe knew and judged our families dysfunctions), instilled in me a deep sense of shame.  I was convinced that at my core I was just not as ‘good’ as others, so I learned early  that if I was going to ‘fit in with life’,  I’d have to hide or mask my dysfunctional, shameful, less than self. I learned from my Mother how to cover it all up by ‘being perfect’, never letting people see who you really were and overdoing things to the 9th degree!

Luckily for me, my Journey out of this self imposed prison of perfectionism began relatively early with my first rock bottom with alcoholism at aged 26. Through that painful experience, I was introduced to the twelve steps of A.A. and to the liberating concept of letting go (or surrendering).

In recovery I learned that if I was to stay sober and be happy, I’d need to find healthier ways of dealing with my shame, fear and low self-esteem. I also came to see that I’d never had as much control over anything anyway, only the illusion of it. But, my hypervigilant efforts to be so tightly in control was deeply hurting me and others in my life. I found out the hard way that this way of being was corroding my sense of self from the inside out. My peace of mind, self love and acceptance and ultimately happiness cannot co-exist in the same place as perfectionism and controlling.

This intervention to my own unhealthy and self-destructive approach was a life changing and life affirming 180 degree turnaround in how I lived. Learning to let go (when I’m able and willing to) has given me more inner peace and the equanimity to meet life on life’s terms. Or, (as the Big Book of AA says) to be able to match Calamity with Serenity.

Today I see myself as a recovering perfectionist in the same way I am a recovering addict. That tendency will never go away, so my reprieve from its grip and my peace of mind on any given day relies on the spiritual & emotional work I do daily to keep me grounded and in the light.

“Letting Go is The Spiritual Practice of Trusting & Co-Creating your Life in Partnership with Life itself…“

Diane O’Reilly

Addictive Perfectionism.

Perfectionism and OCPD are not classed as Addictions (yet), but I’ve noticed that this alluring mindset holds people in the same sort of compulsive grip that addictions do.

Consider how perfectionists are often compulsively driven by its relentless drive, even while knowing in the back of their minds that it’s not working. It dominates their lives and they too often spend hours and hours, days, weeks even months or years perfecting things, while missing out on the big picture, on life and even relationships. They continually judge, blame and criticize themselves and/or others, they’re never satisfied with the way things are and are continually chasing the next perfectionist high. 

Does this sound a lot like Addiction to you?

Denial is not a river in Egypt!

The other thing I’ve noticed about those who suffer with it (similar again to addicts), is they either don’t want to give it up, don’t see it as a big problem, or they minimize it’s negative impact believing it truly helps them.  In fact many people I’ve spoken to about it will often nonchalantly own it. They’ll say something like:

 “Yeah, I’m a bit of a perfectionist!” They then smile and shrug, as though it’s something either quite harmless or just beyond their control to change. The more extreme version of perfectionism (one which as ADHD-ers we are much more susceptible to) is OCPD (Obsessive, Compulsive, Personality Disorder).

One of the defining traits of this condition is Denial (again, just like addiction).

In addiction recovery we say that Denial is such an integral part of addiction that the person who has it, is often the last one to know it! Check out this paragraph and article on OCPD from Healthline.

“People with OCPD have no idea that there’s anything wrong with the way they think or behave. They believe that their way of thinking and doing things is the only correct way and that everyone else is wrong….“

One of the other things I’ve noticed about Perfectionism in people with ADHD, is how much it gets in the way of people making any lasting progress. Even when they have a skilled Coach and/or a therapist. If a person is so deep into their perfectionism mindset and in denial about its impact to them, any growth or change from the Coaching and/or Therapy will not be anywhere near as effective as it could be. Its a bit like filling a bucket with fresh clean water when it has gaping holes in the bottom, allowing all the water to gush out of the other end.

In my humble opinion, Perfectionism is one of the most pervasive, alluring, seductive and damaging mindsets or conditions we face and yet it’s impact to people with ADHD is not so talked about! 

If you’ve read any of  my other blogs, you’ll know that I view these hidden, unnamed and untamed aspects of our ADHD lives (which I call The Shadow Symptoms). As way more damaging and corrosive than the ADHD itself. 

That’s because ADHD is usually diagnosed or (at the very least there is some self-awareness and it’s being actively worked upon). Whereas these Shadow Symptoms remain hidden, unacknowledged, even minimized or denied and so as a result, far more lethal. 

In addiction recovery the way we deal with Denial is by having a close hard look at the the problem, literally by taking an inventory.

We list all the ways our behaviours or habits are impacting us and those around us to get a clearer sense of what it’s truly costing us and to smash the illusion that this is a beneficial or even benign character trait.

My goal for this Blog and for the next few to follow is to shine a light on this part of our ADHD lives and to help pierce through that bubble of denial and minimizing that keeps so many of us imprisoned.

If you or someone you love can identify with being a ‘bit of a perfectionist’, then please stay tuned for the next blog where I’ll be sharing the many ways it shows up, harms and limits us. 

My hope is that this begins a process which will put you on the path to embracing surrender, so you can begin to co-create your life in a more fruitful and honest partnership with life itself.