Getting a new ADHD diagnosis as an adult can come as a huge shock. This new reality shines a fresh light on our past and has so many possible implications for our future. Its as though our past has been forever changed, much like a puzzle that’s been shattered into a thousand fragments, altering the picture of what we thought was true about who we were/are.
This experience is a very real trauma and we go through many conflicting emotions. Some of these feelings are eerily similar to the stages of grief experienced when there’s been a death. For us, the loss of the life we thought we’d had, coupled with the fear that we may continue to live with this pattern and all the implications of what could mean for the rest of our lives. The emotions we experience can be anything from relief, numbness, shock, shame, sadness, anger, loss, fear, denial, depression, hope and eventually acceptance.
A large part of the treatment for ADHD, or if you like our ‘Journey to Wholeness’, starts when we begin putting each piece of this shattered puzzle back together again, re-arranging the past memories and experiences through this new lens of our ADHD diagnosis.
Naturally as we sift through memories of past failures, incidents or experiences (which we realize now were deeply affected by our undiagnosed ADHD), we’re horrified at the thought that so many could have been avoided, the outcome completely different, if we’d only had all the pieces to the puzzle sooner.
It’s at this point in my client’s journey when they reach out to discover how Coaching can help change the trajectory of their lives. Though they’ve been through the wringer emotionally, they are still hopeful and determined to take their new self-knowledge and use it to avoid repeating the failures of the past and/or to make up for the lost time and lost opportunities that were taken from them (much like myself, read more here).
This makes Coaching time with my client’s a pivotal part of their current and future well-being, and a huge part of their journey back to Wholeness. Part of my role is to make them aware of their innate strengths and abilities, as well as all the possibilities available for them, while also pointing out the bumps in the road and sharing all the ADHD specific, Practical Tools and Approaches that will make their journey successful.
The mind of a person with ADHD is innately creative, innovative, intuitive, passionate, curious and energetic, but the flip side of all of these positive attributes can trip us up and get in the way of staying on track for our projects and goals.
The types of skills needed to stay on track and follow through on their lost goals are; Motivation, Response Inhibition, Self Awareness, Frustration Tolerance, Transition Skills, Planning and Organizing Skills (these are just a small example of the group of skills known collectively as Executive Function or E.F skills).
Even with an optimal diet, medication, supplementation, mind and body work, the way our minds innately work is a lifelong reality. Some say you can strengthen or be taught E.F skills, but I’m not totally convinced this is true. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do believe in neuroplasticity (that’s possible to change the neural pathways in the brain to increase capacity for certain things).
But as we can have whole constellations of E.F skill deficits at play in any one moment, then it’s tough (internally at any rate) to strengthen them enough to rely upon them when needed.
ADHD expert Dr. Russell Barkeley explains this much better than I ever could. To paraphrase him:
“It’s not that we don’t know what to do, the problem is we can’t do what we know.” He then goes on to say,
…”ADHD is not a knowledge deficit disorder, therefore giving us more knowledge will not change this reality.“
That explains our whole dilemma in a nutshell. It’s the crux of our problems and the exact juncture where so many things go awry for us.
Even though we may have an innately strong E.F skill, such as a good memory, prior knowledge or some great planning in place, the problem happens when we’re also blind to time, self-awareness, and highly distracted because we won’t necessarily be able to know what we need to recall and the exact moment we need to recall it. We are unable to internally summon, at will the E.F. skills needed in the moment we need it!
I don’t enjoy saying this, nor do I say this to piss you off, dash your hopes or to be negative. I say it because I want you to get precisely what you truly need, to direct all your energies into creating the life you deserve. I say it because I don’t want you to waste any more of your precious time on wishful thinking, aquiring more knowledge or deepening your brain power!
When what you truly need to succeed and to make up for these very real gaps in our E.F skills is Reliable, Bulletproof Practical Tools, Systems and Approaches that won’t fail because we just saw a squirrel!
So, it’s clear that as ADHD adults, if we want to live our fullest life, we’re going to need something to Bridge the Gap between the E.F skills we need for the task at hand and those we actually have.
There’s a great analogy, commonly used for ADHD that explains this dilemma way more succinctly than I can,
Any ‘prosthesis’ that Bridges the Gap between what our brain can do and what we’d like it to do, is just like someone who has poor eyesight needing prescription eyeglasses to see well.
We all know and accept that there’s absolutely no shame in using eyeglasses to boost your ability. And just as your eyeglasses may not work for me or mine for you, finding the right ‘prescription’ for our needs is essential if they are to function and endure for us.
That’s why I don’t typically recommend any specific Practical Tools or Systems that are ‘Good for ADHD Minds.’ I know that each person and their needs are unique, so together we need to discover which Practical Tools and Systems will align with our strengths, proclivities and needs.
“I must create my own system or forever be enslaved by another mans“.
-William Blake.
It may not surprise you to learn that many people with ADHD are quite resistant to using any external tools and systems, no matter how practical and amazing they may seem to be. They’ve often tried and had them fail, or they seem time-consuming, clunky or don’t align with their way of doing things. They could also find them effective, but they just can’t stay consistent with them.
It’s similar to being anti eyeglasses when you’re short sighted. Yes, they’re inconvenient and maybe annoying or uncomfortable, but they allow you to do what everyone else can do. They give you the ability to do whatever it is you want to do to make the next part of your life easier.
I totally get that resistance and why.
I myself am not embarrassed to say that I’ll never, ever ‘get’ or like computer spreadsheets. I just hate them with a passion!
Therefore, I’ve had to find the ones that fit for me, for my needs.
Over the past decade, I’ve adopted many systems that has made me quite tech savvy (in some ways), which surprises the hell out of me. These Practical Tools are real life line for me and have truly made all the difference in my life and what I’m able to achieve. There’s just no way I could run my business, my home, my family, organize vacations and holiday plans, even manage my relationships and my hobbies without these External, Practical Tools and Systems.
They have effectively and reliably Bridged the Gap between what I’m actually able to do, and what I want and need to do.
What I’d love for all people with ADHD is to show them how life changing taking care of this Practical Aspect of their life is, what it makes possible for them, their dreams and their Whole ADHD Life.