Perfectionism Blog #3
The Risks and the Costs of Perfectionism to our ADHD Brains…
Perfectionism is a seductive coping mechanism that we use to mask shame and insecurity and fear of failure. It’s also a way of feeling in control that gives us a fix or a dopamine hit (see the 1st Blog in this series on Perfectionism as an Addiction). Indulging it allows us to avoid any scenarios that trigger these negative and wholly unpleasant emotions. But for people with ADHD, our innate neurology puts us at a higher risk for getting stuck in this negative mindset…
“When you pick up One end of the Stick you Pick up the Other…”
Stephen Covey
When we choose to indulge our Perfectionism (Pick up One end of the Stick), we’re doing so because it works in the short term to create feelings of comfort and safety. It also avoids feelings of fear, overwhelm and insecurity that other actions may evoke.
This perfect facade of seemingly productive activity can make us appear and to some degree ‘feel okay’, even ‘successful,’ in control and accomplished (all without the terror or risk of taking genuine action in areas we feel less confident about).
What’s on the other end of that Stick?
When we choose to use perfectionism with it’s ingredients of judgment, criticism and dissatisfaction in one part of our lives, we’re basically giving an open invitation to a negative mindset to make their home in our minds. Hosting this corrosive thought pattern that says nothing we do, say or think is ever good enough, will eventually bleed into all of our thinking and decisions. This will make the risk taking needed for emotional growth and progress almost impossible.
It’s a Cognitive and Emotional Hamster Wheel of Self-judgment, Self-blame and Criticism that Stops all Progress.
Here’s a list of some of the ways it harms us;
It increases Insecurity.
Strengthens our Brains towards Negativity.
Promotes Imposter Syndrome.
Isolates us.
Stunts our Mental and Emotional growth.
Gets in the way of Genuine Intimacy.
Reduces Confidence.
Delays Self-Actualization.
Represses Creativity.
Creates a mindset of Dissatisfaction.
When you look at this list, does it occur to you that the very things we seek to avoid when we indulge in perfectionism such as feeling less than and not feeling good enough) are not avoided at all, but reinforced?
The Two Neurological reasons why we get so stuck in this Negative Cycle.
Our ADHD neurology sets us up to be more susceptible to both using this coping mechanism and also to getting trapped by it.
Firstly, our traits of Black and White thinking, Low Frustration Tolerance, Procrastination, Rumination, Poor Planning, Poor Focus and Impulse control as well as a difficulty with Transitions, create the perfect storm for us to be drawn to perfectionism (and once we’re using it) to become trapped by it.
Secondly, What Fires Together Wires Together.
The innate way that the neural networks in the Brain respond to habitual patterns makes getting stuck in this negative cycle almost impossible to avoid. If you eat a Donut every day with your coffee, your helpful brain creates a new neural connection that joins these two things together. So now whenever you have coffee, the brain cries out; “Where the Hell is my donut Bud!?”
Much like an addiction/compulsion, at this point we can lose the power to choose.
Many people don’t think they are perfectionists because they’re okay living in a messy space, or their car, garage or office desk are disorganized. Perfectionism shows up in many surprising ways, it’s definitely not all about neatness!
Some Real Life examples of how Perfectionism shows up;
You have a PhD and a Masters, but keep taking more courses to learn more, and you’re constantly needing more information and knowledge which delays taking the risks of launching into a job or career or starting that business or creative project you’ve always (secretly) wanted to try.
You spend all your time polishing resumes, researching jobs, taking quizzes, creating spreadsheets, researching anything and everything to do with the work you may eventually do rather than taking the risk of applying (before you feel ready).
You spend too much time researching the best software platforms or systems for creating an Ebook or designing covers and researching how to collate your work rather than simply writing and/or publishing it.
You avoid taking action by researching anything and everything to the Nth degree to prevent yourself from making a mistake or feeling bad if you do.
You spend hours and hours planning the perfect Bullet Journal spreads, Habit trackers and To Do Lists, convincing yourself that once you find the perfect one, you’ll finally have control over your time and life and then you will be able to follow through on all your plans.
You stay stuck in that Role or Job that you dislike and resent, while secretly dreaming of a different life that you fantasize will land in your lap (without you having to take any risks or hurt anyone’s feelings)
The gazillion ideas and creations in your head whisper to you daily, but instead of following through, you end up organizing and controlling the daily minutiae of your life, like laundry, emails, the to do lists, the spice drawer etc, never progressing the ideas you yearn to. Comforting yourself that once you’ve taken care of all of these other things, then you will finally have time for them.
You put others needs, goals, wishes, drama’s and plans first, putting yourself in the role of friend, confidant, therapist, caretaker and project manager to the masses. A martyr to the cause, unable to live your own life (because you’re way too busy propping up everyone else’s)
You volunteer or (allow yourself to be volun-told) for things you are not truly interested in as it makes you feel like you’re doing something useful or meaningful, while it also keeps you so busy, you don’t feel the disappointment in not pursuing that personal project(s).
Does any of that sound familiar?
It does to me, as a recovering perfectionist, I’m sadly too familiar with it’s allure and it’s cost. Luckily for me I found ways to begin to break free from its grip, enabling me to begin to grow, to take risks and follow through.
In my next and final post on Perfectionism, I’ll be sharing what I’ve learned about how best to break free from this negative and corrosive cycle .