In my last post on Perfectionism and ADHD (link here), I described this aspect of our thinking as one of the most pervasive, alluring, seductive and damaging mindsets we as ADHD adults face. So much so, I compare it to addiction. As a recovering alcoholic, codependent and perfectionist myself, I don’t make that comparison lightly!
Many of us get trapped in the Prison of Perfectionism believing it to be something benign, helpful or even (sadly) a strength. Too often mistaking it (as Brene Brown so eloquently says) with excellence.
In this second blog of this series, my goal is to help liberate us from this ‘prison of perfectionism’ by breaking the spell of Minimizing and Denial that goes hand in hand with it. To highlight the myriad ways that perfectionism shows up for us, how it harms and controls us as well as highlighting the specific ways, (we as ADHD adults) are more susceptible and controlled by it.
There are many, many similarities between the cognitive twists around perfectionism and the cognitive twists of addiction. One of these similarities is the presence of Denial. Denial is incredibly effective at keeping us in a loop of harmful habits while also convincing us that everything is perfectly A- Okay. And there’s absolutely no need to change a thing.
As a recovering addict I know this cognitive sleight of hand intimately. I too was utterly convinced and seemingly helpless to challenge the lies I was telling myself. What I now know with some hindsight is that my willingness to be hoodwinked to this degree was in large part because these lies were allowing me to continue to use and abuse alcohol/sugar and/or control (in the ways I felt I needed to live fully).
In that insane state I could not begin to imagine living a life without these behaviours or habits and/or substances, and I truly believed I needed them. So Denial protected and maintained that supply. Even with my outwardly messy rock bottom from Alcohol Addiction, and all the clues that my life was out of control, the Denial, justifications and downright lies were so strong and so convincing, it was as though I needed to be mentally slapped and shaken from a spell I was under…
Breaking the Spell of Denial
‘More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them’… –H. J. Smith
There may be better ways of breaking through Denial, but I personally don’t know any that work as well as Step One from the Twelve Step Recovery Programs (such as A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous).
Step one of Twelve step recovery says;
We admitted we were powerless over… (insert any substance or behavior here)… and that our lives had become unmanageable.
The notion that we can and will control this behaviour (next time) is the daily obsession of all of us who know this game. So blinded are we to the facts, the evidence and the reality that we’re living, so convinced by the illusions and attached to the relief that the next perfectionism brings, that we are unable or unwilling to see this as something that’s actually not serving us.
To let go of the idea that we as ‘control freaks’ (which let’s admit is the credo at the heart of any perfectionist’s drive) do not have control over our behaviour, challenges our whole notion of life and to some degree our identity. In order to fully admit the ‘powerlessness’ of Step One (which is so unnatural for us perfectionists), we will often begin our Step One work by ‘taking an Inventory’ of the harm caused by our behaviours to ourselves and to others.
Here are some example Questions for a Step One Inventory on Perfectionism;
Have you ever tried to stop this behaviour but could not?
Has this behaviour ever cost you a job or lost you an opportunity?
Has anyone in your life ever suffered a result of your high standards (perfectionism)
If yes, how?
What impact does your perfectionism have on your own self esteem?
Has anyone who cares about you tried to convince you to lower your standards and/or let go of the perfectionist ideal?
Do you ever stay up late at a cost to your own health to produce the perfect….? ( insert activity here)
Do you avoid situations where if you cannot give your 100% ideal effort, you would rather not participate at all?
Have you ever avoided the things you enjoy to instead complete something you feel needs your full, undivided, attention?
Do you find it difficult (if not impossible) to stop editing and polishing something you ‘re working on and bring it to a satisfactory close?
Do you find it difficult or even almost impossible to make decisions?
Do you need to research, make lists, gather so much information and you still can’t seem to make a decision?
Do you constantly compare yourselves or those around you to others and find yourself (or them) wanting.
Are you quick to blame or criticize yourself or others?
Do you feel that even when you know you’ve given your very best, that it’s still not good enough?
Those questions should begin to illicit quite a lot of material and help to break the Spell of Denial while also bringing home the cost of this behaviour to yourself, your life and your relationships. In case you needed more evidence (and if you’re a perfectionist, I know you do!)
Here’s another list of some of the ways Perfectionism can hurt and impact us and those we love;
Nothing we do is ever thought of as good enough.
We are constantly scanning everything critically, for what is wrong.
We don’t take risks to do something we’re not already proficient at.
We procrastinate when our perfect ideal becomes so unattainable we can’t begin.
We constantly worry about what others are thinking about us and what we say, what we look like, what we wear, how much money we make, where we live, what we do, don’t do, etc.
We can’t imagine showing up as our natural self for meetings, dates or events, always needing to present a polished and perfect image.
Rather than alter our standards, we abandon projects if they’re not going as we imagined.
Our standards are too high and unattainable (even for ourselves).
We miss out on deadlines and opportunities or avoid some opportunities all together if we cannot give what it would take to live up to our own high standards.
We’re not able to fully relax and enjoy our downtime because we’re mentally listing all the things that still need to be done.
We find it tough to be around people or situations we cannot completely control.
We feel we are ‘better’ than others in our approach to life, that our standards (moral or otherwise) are better than most people’s we know. (At the same time we don’t ever feel good enough!)
We don’t know how to just ‘be’ around the people we love unless we are actively ‘doing something’ or being productive.
Did any of that sound familiar? Perhaps for you or you can see these traits in someone you care about? The good news is that perfectionism can be challenged and changed (even at the clinical end with O.C.P.D) it is very treatable! But it does take a conscious effort and willingness to break through denial and see what it’s truly costing us.
In my next blog, I’ll be sharing how the Neurology of the ADHD Brain makes us much more susceptible to developing and losing control of perfectionism. I’ll also be sharing some of the ways we can begin to break free from the prison it has become for too many of us.
If this resonated at all, I’d love to hear about your own experiences with this. Email me anytime at diane@dianeoreilly.com or comment below!