ADHD Perfectionists are cursed with the black and white thinking and rumination that give traction to our perfectionistic thoughts. These traits turn what might have been a passing thought into something longer lasting and more destructive. These thoughts, when unchallenged can become obsessive, addictive compulsions that insist on having everything be just so!
When you pair this aspect of our lives with our innate ADHD challenges around follow through, this results in an almost constant sense that we’re falling short, never, ever able to live up to the unrealistic level our perfectionism demands.
“Perfectionism is the Mountain without a Peak..”
In the other blogs of this series I spoke about some of the common therapeutic ways we can tackle perfectionism. I also shared a more uncommon solution for dealing with this obsessive drive, which is a Spiritual Solution…
It’s my opinion that the fears and imaginings at the core of perfectionism need so much more than therapeutic approaches alone can provide. Good as those approaches are at dealing with the ‘mechanics’ of thought and feeling, entrenched perfectionism needs something deeper, which in my opinion only a Spiritual solution can deliver.
A Spiritual Solution gives us an unshakeable faith in something higher than our own fear driven, controlling intellects.
A Spiritual solution goes beyond ‘the mechanics’ to provide us with deeper meaning, solace and comfort, belonging and truth.
A Spiritual Solution allows us not only to let go of old ways of thinking, but to step into brand new ones that are rooted in something other than fear. A Spiritual life invites us to actively surrender our fears over to another entity, to actively trust in this creative intelligence.
In other words, it replaces fear with faith…
Having a Spiritual credo as the basis for living, does not mean we give up on our needs, personalities, preferences or ambitions, nor does it mean we become boring, dull, automatons who are passively led or disempowered.
I like to think of the relationship between ourselves and this new way of being much more of a responsive partnership. Much like the the following example:
Fear driven controlling and obsessive actions (like perfectionism).
Have us swimming constantly against the tide, fruitlessly trying to hold back the laws of nature; these efforts cost us dearly in energy and in tension and sanity, all the while the tide wins and we drown. But when we nurture a Spiritual life, we’re able to work in partnership with the tides, noticing and respecting the natural flow of the water. We learn to live in harmony with it versus fighting it or being drowned by it. Not passively swept away by each tide either, living with a spiritual center is much more akin to surfing.
The surfer waits, notices and then acts to harness the power of nature, respecting the natural flow of the tide, using its power when she can and surrendering when she needs to.
This way of living allows us to let go of having to control every aspect of our lives and invites us to co-create a life with life itself, with less fear and more peace of mind.
For anyone who sees the value of nurturing and practicing a Spiritual way of life, there are so many options these days for us to choose a path way centered around the principles of truth, humility and faith without having to take up a religion.
These alternate choices are especially welcome if you’re an atheist or religion doesn’t sit well with you. Or, if you are naturally curious like me with a healthy dose of scientific skepticism and an innate obstinacy!
As listed in my previous blog here’s a few alternate, un-religious (and so for some, more accessible) paths to a spiritual practice:
- Mindfulness Meditation
- (MBSR & MBCT)
- Buddhism
- Twelve Step Recovery
- Nature
- Philosophy
- Daily Prayer
In the last Blog I also mentioned some books and other resources that may be helpful to finding your own version of a Spiritual life. You can find out more about them here.
Meanwhile, as promised I’d like to share some simple and practical tools that I use myself that you can begin using right away to interrupt the addictive, controlling drive of perfectionism and grow the intentional act of surrender and of letting go.
These tools helped me in my own journey as a recovering addict and still help me today on a daily basis to quiet the perfectionist mindset:
The ‘God’ Box.
A God Box is something I learned about in 12 step recovery. It’s a physical way for us to let go of fears and worries. It doesn’t have to be a box either, it can be a jar or an envelope (feel free to rename it too!). All you do is write down the things you are worrying and obsessing over the most on pieces of paper and then post them into the jar, envelope or ‘God box’ as a way of physically handing over your worry to the universe to do with it what it will! This tool helps us to mentally cut ties with our worries and literally hands them over to nature, life or God (however you perceive it) to handle for us.
Journalling.
One of my personal favorites, this tool is ideal for ADHD verbal processors whose thoughts and worries can tumble around our minds, negatively affecting our feelings and energy.
When we journal we get them out of that confused space between our ears, we get some distance between us and these thoughts and we gain a more expansive perspective, helping us to pause, make better choices and also notice and take care of our needs.
Much like the God Box, it can also be used to dump ideas and worries as a way to process and then let go, surrendering them to the universe.
Prayer.
Not for everyone, but again the practice of prayer helps right size our problems, gives us the humility to see how powerless we are anyway, helps us feel connected to the goodness and intelligence of life (a higher power ) and gives us solace and comfort. Prayer helps us tap into the still, peaceful core of our being where we know that even when things are not going well, we can still be okay.
Meditation.
Start anywhere! Start messily and of course imperfectly. You can use an app, a headset and/or white noise or guided videos, there are literally thousands of options available. I personally began with Pema Chodron’s book on How to Meditate with short 5 minute meditations. I now practice regular 20-30 minute or longer meditations. My favorite app is the Free Insight Timer.
Science proves that the parts of our brains that are anxious and ruminating shrink with regular mindfulness meditation. Self awareness and emotional equilibrium increases, we notice our thoughts and can disentangle our actions and feelings from them. We begin to cultivate an open curiosity which is the opposite of the clinging, controlling and anxious state of perfectionism.
From this place we can literally let go and also begin to trust that despite our negative thoughts, all will be well.
Devotional time.
For me this is a daily ritual to read from some of my daily reader spiritual books, then I journal, maybe a paragraph or more, and light a candle with some incense and then pray. You can make a ritual of your own choosing, it’s simply a way to put into practice your spiritual beliefs. A habit that brings you back to your body, to be more attuned to your feelings and needs, while also making you aware of a wider perspective.
This is a great way to start your day.
My own favorite daily readers (these are books that have one reading for each day of the year) are:
- The Book of awakening by Mark Nepo,
- The Language of Letting go by Melody Beattie
- The Golden Key by Emmet Fox
- Around the Year by Emmet Fox
- And my favorite Twelve Step recovery books
Intentional Delaying.(Do nothing but wait and watch)
I learned this one the hard way early in my recovery journey from alcoholism. My first sponsor helped me see that so much of the drama I was generating in my life by believing the only course of action I had was to control, worry, obsess and manipulate and orchestrate, was not only unnecessary, but counterproductive. When I consciously let go, when I noticed but then delayed action, when I got still and became more attuned to the creative intelligence of the universe, I found that things just seemed to work out all by themselves. Imagine that! All without my drama, shocking!
The results I got from this ‘doing nothing’ helped me start to trust that it was okay to allow things to unfold with a more open and curious mindset and a growing faith that whatever happened, I would be able to handle it.
The Nurturing of Nature.
By spending daily time in and engaged with nature, by noticing the moon cycles, the tides or the growth of plants or animals, we see and affirm the innate goodness & intelligence of the universe and all its inhabitants. Tuning into the eternal, ever present creative intelligence of this amazing life and that of our bodies and its ability to heal, sleep, restore, and digest.
To notice our minds while reading this post, how it scans this text and assimilates the information, how intelligent, powerful, wise and miraculous it all is. All without having to consciously worry or obsess over it!
We see and affirm how every life form has its own intelligence, one that we cannot begin to replicate. Affirming and noticing its rhythms and its goodness helps build our trust in something outside of our own flawed intellects that is good and ever present.
Body Work.
Yoga, Pilates, walking, exercise, dance, any conscious body movement will help get us ‘out of our heads’ and reconnect with that life force within that’s non-verbal and yet innately intelligent. Reconnecting us with what’s possible and affirming our agency and ability to handle difficult things helps us let go of the need to avoid pain or try to control every outcome.
Sensory Breaks.
This tool also gets us away from the thinking mind that worries over the past or projects about a negative future.
A sensory break reconnects us with the body, helps ground us once more in the reality and trust of what is happening for us right now in this actual moment. Sensory breaks can be movement, or music, lighting a candle or incense, walking barefoot, having a bath etc. Anything which stimulates the body’s senses in a nurturing and gentle way will bring you back to the here and now, where everything is much more manageable. From this attuned place we are more able to allow and flow verus fight and control.
All of these tools are practical pathways that liberate us from the anxiety ridden place of control and fear of the thinking mind.
Whichever tools and paths you choose to grow and practice your spiritual life, I’m sure over time (as it has for me) you’ll be able to escape the prison of perfectionism and let go of the need to control.
This will not only lead you to experience more equanimity with life and a peace of mind, but the freedom from that fear will open you up to more adventures and creativity, freedom of expression, confidence and agency.
If you have any questions about any of these tools, please comment or share if this resonates with you!